“Stan” (Poetry)

Dear Stan, here I am writing you this letter
We’ve had some good times but we’re no good together
For a long time I thought I couldn’t do any better
You made me forget that sunshine was apart of the weather

Rain, sleet, snow, or hail you were always around
You’d comfort me without a word, even without a sound
For the longest time, the only feeling I knew was down
Me without you was like a king without his crown

I’d soon realize just how damaging you were
All the time we spent together is now just a blur
For now I can see clearly through my eyes
I can see that you were just pain in disguise

Sick and tired, hurt and defeated
My life in ruins, my feelings all depleted
There’s nothing I can hide, everyone can see it
Everyone I loved, from my life they were deleted

For all of that, there’s only you I can thank
I was running on E, now I’m refueling my tank
All I needed was one reason to live
One reason to love, one reason to give

Some call you drugs, but I choose to call you Stan
That’s because for a long time you were the man
Now I’m wiser and I’m taking a stand
I can fit the world in my palm without you in my hand

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$elf Worth

Self worth isn’t weighed by the amount of money you have, nor is it measured by your stability in life. Self worth is a currency solely dependent on ones view of themselves no matter their current or past situation(s). Looking back to a time when I had things to call my own, I believed I was worth much more than I actually was. I measured my worth according to money, friends, women, and fun. Little did I know, the more of those things I obtained, the further I strayed away from happiness. I was a tool, using myself to destroy the things I cherished the most.

As time went by, the side effects of my ignorance would take affect. I felt empty, used up, and worthless to myself. Since I felt that way about my own life, I also felt that everyone around me saw the same thing. I was convinced that my worth was diminished to a point where it could not be repaired. Those feelings would be my shadow for a very long time. Eventually, everything and everyone around me was worth just as much as I was – nothing.

I can remember being out in public, looking at others and wishing I could be in their shoes. My shoes were worn to the sole from all of the running I did during my years of depression, drug abuse, and ungratefulness. Eventually, I lost so much that I had no choice but to stop and re-evaluate everything in my life. It wasn’t until then when I could see myself from the inside out. I saw a broken person, who needed some patching up. So, I got out the glue and the tape and got to work.

Little by little, things started to make sense again. Things around me were still tattered and torn, but I had a strategy. I would line everything up, subtracting the things that were holding me down, and maximizing on the things that gave me a sense of self respect. The missing pieces were always around me, I just refused to reach for them. The love I felt that I was missing was clearly there in the form of a mother who did not give up on her son. The energy I lacked was confined deep beneath the filth layered within my body. The faith I needed was in my heart, which was boarded up from every angle.

I became a maintenance man, working on myself, fixing anything that needed fixing. From there, things slowed down and it became easier to stop and evaluate myself. Mistakes were made often, but I never put that imaginary hammer down. I would slowly start to feel like I was becoming worth more and more with everything I corrected within myself. I could see how blind I actually was now. I was worth much more than I ever gave myself credit for.

I settled for so much because it was all that I knew. I gave up quick and landed in bad spots because I lost the will to strive for better things. The things that were out of reach were now beneath me. The easiest and most valuable assets around me were within arms reach. All it took was the want and the need to surround myself with positive people and things. I felt like I belonged again. If I was denied anything, I would no longer just give in. That denial became motivation. I was motivated to feel worthy of anything this world offered.

I can now look in the mirror and feel like I belong. No longer feeling like an outcast, I walk the streets with my head held high, my heart flowing with positivist, and my mind focused on bettering myself. When people look at me, I can see that they see someone who is worth their time. I am accepted almost everywhere I go, mainly because I accepted the fact that I am worth your time, your company and your love. It is my God given duty to make others feel accepted in this world and anyone who hasn’t should make it their job to do so as well. We aren’t worthy of much when we can’t even see it for ourselves. You are worth more than what the worlds puts out sometimes. You just have to have the faith to know that you can get there as long as you dedicate your life being seen as worthy, not only to others, but to yourself as well. Peace & Love !

Lusting For Love

Lust_love

I’ve personally been through some very rocky relationships in my past – most with women who were sure they loved me but actually did not know the first thing about love. Me, I believe I have an idea of what love is, but most importantly – I do know when I love someone wholeheartedly or if I’m just putting on a show. Sadly for me, I have also had my run with women who have put on shows. Honestly, I have never not wanted to be in a relationship with the person I chose to take the leap with. Far too many times do I see women who just want to be in love and not actually caring who it is they’re in love with. That’s what I call lusting for love. Those are some of the toughest relationships to deal with because those type of people are hard to crack and will do anything to keep their lust for love fed. It is a dangerous game once a partner sees that their lover is just with them because they fear being lonely, instead of naturally feeling like they belong with you.

Last night was a prime example of how a person can be very misleading with love. I will not go into details but a female whom a very good friend was dating showed her boyfriend that she was with him for all the wrong reasons. Once he caught wind of who she truly was, she did everything in her power to keep things going – to keep herself happy and in love, regardless of how hurt my friend was about the situation. Girls who just want to be with someone for the ride aren’t easy to break as I said before. You have to notice the little things they do to crack their code. These type people are usually party going, materialistic type of people whom have a hard time staying in one place too long. Watch out for these people on your journey to the promise land of love, because you won’t see them coming. Be aware.

Post From My New Blog — Finding Our Way Through

lovestorm

We can only reach new heights by getting over our lowest points. There are ups without downs. Embrace the hard times and use them to elevate yourself to a higher plateau. Our emotions entrap us at times, keeping us grounded. It is normal to feel sad during hard times but it is also possible to feel happy during sad times if you allow the joy to overcome that sorrow within you. I am happy at the moment, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel sadness at any moment. You control your emotions. If you feel sad, it is because you allow yourself to feel that way. Stop the sadness and allow yourself to feel happiness when you need it the most. If all else fails, listen to the song in the link – Pharrell Williams – Happy

Check out my NEW blog “Finding Our Way Through” here — http://findingourwaythrough.wordpress.com/

I Set My World On Fire

I have set my world on fire. Burning everything that has held me back before. I will take the ashes and use them to rebuild my life. No longer will I leave a gasoline trail so that someone can throw a lit match when I reach my goals. No one will be able to deter me from success. As that fire burns, I’m searching around on my soul to throw any negativity into the blaze. I will do away with all the bad. I feel more relieved as the pain turns into thick black smoke, disappearing into thin air. It will be a test to rebuild but that’s fine with me as long as the pieces come from positive components.

 

Writing Saved My Life

Writer

Many of you may have heard the term “I am my own worst enemy” before, but I’ve lived it. Looking back a few years ago – I was lost. The things I held close are become more and more distant with each passing day. I was a bit younger than; figuring I could afford to make mistakes, but now I realize what those mistakes has cost me. All the time I spent drinking, smoking and involving myself with witless women, was time I could have used to be productive. I know better now, but I wish I could have known then. I’m just starting to really enjoy relaxing and writing. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but never took the time to actually do it. Recently, I sat down and made it happen. All it took was time and dedication. I now have my foot in the door as a sports writer – something I should have accomplished a long time ago.

Things aren’t just going to go to waste like they used to. I now love to write more than ever – even if I spend my whole day writing, I just want to write more and more until my hands feel like they’re going to fall off. Okay maybe not to that point, but you get my drift. I would never want to look back and alter anything because I wouldn’t be to the point I am now. It took all the negative to build up this confidence and my need to avoid unnecessary things in life. I’m young and I have no kids – what do I really have to complain about? A lot is what I used to tell myself, but now I realize that I have everything to be happy about. It’s all about the future. Everything I do now feels so good because I know I’m working towards goals that’ll make my future all the more enjoyable.

This isn’t all about me either. It’s actually more about my family than anything. The sad part is that they’ll never know it. All they see is a selfish kid who’d rather write than do work around the house all day. I guess everyone isn’t going to understand why I do certain things but it doesn’t matter as long as I know I’m doing the right things in my mind. Still, I love my family and I want this for them. So I can make sure they will always be safe and live peacefully without me bringing in any drama from the streets like I used to. One day they will be happy that I ignored them to write(lol).

I knew if I were going to make drastic changes – I had to be selfish. There wasn’t going to be anymore worrying about what others think or do. I couldn’t want a relationship or someone to care for me. I knew I had to avoid some of my closest friends and family just so I could give all my focus to writing. Writing has saved my life. I wouldn’t trade many thing in the world for the ability to sit down and pour my heart onto a piece of paper, or computer screen. It’s truly a blessing that I’m headed in the right direction as a writer. I wouldn’t want to be rich, I don’t need millions of dollars and a model girlfriend – I just want to write. All of the fun, women and friends can wait on the side while I do my thing. I’m sorry if anyone takes it personal or decides to hate me for it, but understand – it’s what I need to do in life to be satisfied. I don’t jump in front of anyone who’s on their way to succeeding, so I don’t expect anyone to hop in my way. I wish everyone the best and I hope everyone can want the same for me. If not, it won’t change a thing but you won’t be there when I come out on the other side.