“Stan” (Poetry)

Dear Stan, here I am writing you this letter
We’ve had some good times but we’re no good together
For a long time I thought I couldn’t do any better
You made me forget that sunshine was apart of the weather

Rain, sleet, snow, or hail you were always around
You’d comfort me without a word, even without a sound
For the longest time, the only feeling I knew was down
Me without you was like a king without his crown

I’d soon realize just how damaging you were
All the time we spent together is now just a blur
For now I can see clearly through my eyes
I can see that you were just pain in disguise

Sick and tired, hurt and defeated
My life in ruins, my feelings all depleted
There’s nothing I can hide, everyone can see it
Everyone I loved, from my life they were deleted

For all of that, there’s only you I can thank
I was running on E, now I’m refueling my tank
All I needed was one reason to live
One reason to love, one reason to give

Some call you drugs, but I choose to call you Stan
That’s because for a long time you were the man
Now I’m wiser and I’m taking a stand
I can fit the world in my palm without you in my hand

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Addicted

I have learned that the beginning isn’t always the start of something. The beginning could very well be the end for some things. My end began on a nice summer day in 2009. I couldn’t have been more okay with my life at that point. I was 20 something with my own place, my own car, a high paying job, great friends, a wonderful girlfriend, and a child on the way. Little did I know, sitting at a red light, the end to all of those things would rear end me at that very spot. Bloodied and hurting, I stumbled out of my car to inspect the damage done by my impending doom. I had no idea that the damage to my car, which was totaled, would be the least damaged thing on this day. After a quick but careful check of the wreckage, would I then see my fate.

That fate came in the form Christopher Wayne Gary – the driver of the car that had struck me. Gary was a troubled man, whom had just not only an hour ago, shot and killed his mother. After killing the one and only mom he had ever had, Gary figured there wasn’t much left for him in this world. He figured he would take the cops on a high speed chase, with the blood of his mother still on his hands. That chase would end with a collision into the back of my car. Gary would then step out his car, surrounded by police and closely watched by myself. He would then proceed to kill himself at that very moment. Til this day, I can see his lifeless body laying a few feet away from me.

With all of that mayhem, still the worst was yet to come. The worst would come with a follow-up doctors visit after the tragic accident. For my back pain and intense headaches, the doctor would proceed to prescribe me 10mg Vicodin. That was the moment that my end had began. Time would fly by but surely enough every month I was sure to make it back to that same doctor for get my pain medicine. Years would continue to roll on and the same thing continued. I was now reliant on a substance to live my normal everyday life. With no knowledge of the negative affects, I would blindly continue to take these pills and various other kinds  of medication for my pain.

That same story continued for some more years, until my luck had run out. in 2014 I would find a way to be discharged from my doctors. Not until then did I have my first withdrawl symptoms. It was some of the worst feelings I have and would ever experience. Like most addicts would do who had nothing on their mind but being high or pain free, I would hit the streets in search of pills so I could make it through the day. Things were moving so fast. When I finally got a chance to stop and look around, I realized that mostly everything I ever had was gone on or on its way out. I spent so many years blinded by a drug that I didn’t care about what or who I was pissing away.

Things would continually get worse for me at that point. Pills quickly turned into heroin once I had no doctor to supply me with my drugs of choice. Now, there wasn’t a minute where I could think about anything else besides getting high or how I’m going to get money to get high the next day. I was living a nightmare. The drugs would break the bond I had with my family and friends, it would rob me of any desire to work, and it would also take away the few emotions I had left after so many years of taking painkillers. Even worse, it would land me in jail, facing my demons alone in a cell for months. Still, the drugs were so deeply apart of my being, that I was awaiting the day I got out just so I could get back to them. Surprisingly, I would stay away from drugs for a few months after my release. Still, I was a prisoner in this world. Even without drugs in my life, there was a lot of damage left over from them. There were too many pieces to pick up than I could handle, so I did the only thing I knew how to do – get high.

Now I’m back to what I know. No longer did I feel out of place, because the drugs had suppressed any emotions that would make me feel uncomfortable in any situation. Soon after my decision to pick up again, would I re-lose the few things I had gained during my clean time. This time I would lose so much that I did not even have a place to rest my head. Roaming the streets with nowhere to go, or nobody to talk to got old quick for me. God reached down and touched me somewhere in between those wicked days and I landed in a detox program in which I have been a full participant of til this very day. Now I can begin again. Am I saved or healed? No I am not. But, I am more aware and I have regained my feelings. That has been enough to keep me strong. I do not want to forget what it feels like to be happy, to be sad, or to love. My emotions are all I have at the moment and I guard them with all I have. They have been my strongest defense against drug use. Wish me luck !

Lusting For Love

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I’ve personally been through some very rocky relationships in my past – most with women who were sure they loved me but actually did not know the first thing about love. Me, I believe I have an idea of what love is, but most importantly – I do know when I love someone wholeheartedly or if I’m just putting on a show. Sadly for me, I have also had my run with women who have put on shows. Honestly, I have never not wanted to be in a relationship with the person I chose to take the leap with. Far too many times do I see women who just want to be in love and not actually caring who it is they’re in love with. That’s what I call lusting for love. Those are some of the toughest relationships to deal with because those type of people are hard to crack and will do anything to keep their lust for love fed. It is a dangerous game once a partner sees that their lover is just with them because they fear being lonely, instead of naturally feeling like they belong with you.

Last night was a prime example of how a person can be very misleading with love. I will not go into details but a female whom a very good friend was dating showed her boyfriend that she was with him for all the wrong reasons. Once he caught wind of who she truly was, she did everything in her power to keep things going – to keep herself happy and in love, regardless of how hurt my friend was about the situation. Girls who just want to be with someone for the ride aren’t easy to break as I said before. You have to notice the little things they do to crack their code. These type people are usually party going, materialistic type of people whom have a hard time staying in one place too long. Watch out for these people on your journey to the promise land of love, because you won’t see them coming. Be aware.

Post From My New Blog — Finding Our Way Through

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We can only reach new heights by getting over our lowest points. There are ups without downs. Embrace the hard times and use them to elevate yourself to a higher plateau. Our emotions entrap us at times, keeping us grounded. It is normal to feel sad during hard times but it is also possible to feel happy during sad times if you allow the joy to overcome that sorrow within you. I am happy at the moment, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel sadness at any moment. You control your emotions. If you feel sad, it is because you allow yourself to feel that way. Stop the sadness and allow yourself to feel happiness when you need it the most. If all else fails, listen to the song in the link – Pharrell Williams – Happy

Check out my NEW blog “Finding Our Way Through” here — http://findingourwaythrough.wordpress.com/

Circle of Life

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Trapped in a prison of illusions;

Intertwined in a life with no solutions,

At every turn there’s a question with no answer;

For every smile there’s a more threatening cancer,

The rubble we walked upon is the road of life;

A freeway of pain, broken dreams and spite,

What we see is what we get;

and what we know is all there is,

Life forms in circles, giving us one way to live.

Social Trap

There’s a map we’ve all been taught to follow since the beginning of time. It’s the a map that supposedly leads us all to happiness but all we’ve been left with is pain. We never doubted for one second that the plan the world has laid out for is nothing more than a trap. It is a ploy to keep us from evolving and finding true happiness. They tell us to work, not to steal, to vote and we’ll be happy one day. What they don’t prepare us for is the failure that becomes clear after you’ve spent your entire life following this plan of theirs. It’s time we make our own plans, our own religions, and our own laws. We’re voting for causes we have no choice to believe in. We’re voting and gambling with our own lives and it’s time it stops. Our fear fuels a government that does everything to keep us caged. Let the government crumble. Stop voting, stop caring and leave them with no option but to expose themselves as the frauds they’ve always been. There’s a plan they have that doesn’t need our help. Do you think our vote counts? It doesn’t. We have to find a way to prove that we won’t stand idly by and let them turn our lives into some boring reach for happiness. Don’t be afraid to let thing break down, because there will be truth within the rubble. Take a chance to make a difference. Lead your own life, not a life that has been forced on you. Break the mold, let go and let the world crumble in your hands and lets rebuild it with our own goals and leave the future generations with a new plan to follow. A plan that doesn’t involve breaking your back to impress the world. A plan that leaves hopes instead of trails of devastation. There’s hope for a new world, but it doesn’t involve taxes, health care, and presidents. When we all realize this then we’ll be better off.