Addicted

I have learned that the beginning isn’t always the start of something. The beginning could very well be the end for some things. My end began on a nice summer day in 2009. I couldn’t have been more okay with my life at that point. I was 20 something with my own place, my own car, a high paying job, great friends, a wonderful girlfriend, and a child on the way. Little did I know, sitting at a red light, the end to all of those things would rear end me at that very spot. Bloodied and hurting, I stumbled out of my car to inspect the damage done by my impending doom. I had no idea that the damage to my car, which was totaled, would be the least damaged thing on this day. After a quick but careful check of the wreckage, would I then see my fate.

That fate came in the form Christopher Wayne Gary – the driver of the car that had struck me. Gary was a troubled man, whom had just not only an hour ago, shot and killed his mother. After killing the one and only mom he had ever had, Gary figured there wasn’t much left for him in this world. He figured he would take the cops on a high speed chase, with the blood of his mother still on his hands. That chase would end with a collision into the back of my car. Gary would then step out his car, surrounded by police and closely watched by myself. He would then proceed to kill himself at that very moment. Til this day, I can see his lifeless body laying a few feet away from me.

With all of that mayhem, still the worst was yet to come. The worst would come with a follow-up doctors visit after the tragic accident. For my back pain and intense headaches, the doctor would proceed to prescribe me 10mg Vicodin. That was the moment that my end had began. Time would fly by but surely enough every month I was sure to make it back to that same doctor for get my pain medicine. Years would continue to roll on and the same thing continued. I was now reliant on a substance to live my normal everyday life. With no knowledge of the negative affects, I would blindly continue to take these pills and various other kinds  of medication for my pain.

That same story continued for some more years, until my luck had run out. in 2014 I would find a way to be discharged from my doctors. Not until then did I have my first withdrawl symptoms. It was some of the worst feelings I have and would ever experience. Like most addicts would do who had nothing on their mind but being high or pain free, I would hit the streets in search of pills so I could make it through the day. Things were moving so fast. When I finally got a chance to stop and look around, I realized that mostly everything I ever had was gone on or on its way out. I spent so many years blinded by a drug that I didn’t care about what or who I was pissing away.

Things would continually get worse for me at that point. Pills quickly turned into heroin once I had no doctor to supply me with my drugs of choice. Now, there wasn’t a minute where I could think about anything else besides getting high or how I’m going to get money to get high the next day. I was living a nightmare. The drugs would break the bond I had with my family and friends, it would rob me of any desire to work, and it would also take away the few emotions I had left after so many years of taking painkillers. Even worse, it would land me in jail, facing my demons alone in a cell for months. Still, the drugs were so deeply apart of my being, that I was awaiting the day I got out just so I could get back to them. Surprisingly, I would stay away from drugs for a few months after my release. Still, I was a prisoner in this world. Even without drugs in my life, there was a lot of damage left over from them. There were too many pieces to pick up than I could handle, so I did the only thing I knew how to do – get high.

Now I’m back to what I know. No longer did I feel out of place, because the drugs had suppressed any emotions that would make me feel uncomfortable in any situation. Soon after my decision to pick up again, would I re-lose the few things I had gained during my clean time. This time I would lose so much that I did not even have a place to rest my head. Roaming the streets with nowhere to go, or nobody to talk to got old quick for me. God reached down and touched me somewhere in between those wicked days and I landed in a detox program in which I have been a full participant of til this very day. Now I can begin again. Am I saved or healed? No I am not. But, I am more aware and I have regained my feelings. That has been enough to keep me strong. I do not want to forget what it feels like to be happy, to be sad, or to love. My emotions are all I have at the moment and I guard them with all I have. They have been my strongest defense against drug use. Wish me luck !

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Circle of Life

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Trapped in a prison of illusions;

Intertwined in a life with no solutions,

At every turn there’s a question with no answer;

For every smile there’s a more threatening cancer,

The rubble we walked upon is the road of life;

A freeway of pain, broken dreams and spite,

What we see is what we get;

and what we know is all there is,

Life forms in circles, giving us one way to live.

Heavy

Somewhere, there’s a sense of security that I can’t find.

I’m walking away from the pain and into the shade,

away from the white and into the grey.

There was once peace, but that’s all gone.

All that’s left a piece but it has no form.

Someday, I swear I’ll find some comfort, away from the black cloud above my head.

For now, I will duck and I will dodge, away from the hurt.

Buried in sorrow as heavy as dirt

 

Dealing With Troubling Situations

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We all have had our share of bad times. Some of us never get the chance to pick ourselves up before we let ourselves slip too far away. The mind plays a lot of tricks on you when you’re down and out. I just want to talk about some of those bad things we go through and how we could make it easier on ourselves during these times.  Everything won’t apply to everyone but we all know what it feels like to be down, sad, or depressed about some of the things that happen to us in life.

Unemployment

We all know how hard it is to keep and maintain a job. While we may not have total control of who hires us, we do have total control of how to handle these situations. Do not ever let yourself believe that it’s impossible to find a job quick enough to get back on track. That feeling of hopelessness is all in your mind. Believe that you can find work, and it’ll be easier to deal with actually being out of work. We know that happiness won’t pay the bills, but happiness will keep you motivated enough to get yourself back on the right track. Do not go a day without filling out applications and networking with people. Constantly ask your friends about work opportunities. Ask your friends to ask their friends as well. Stay active, and keep your mind from being idle. Do not sit and think about how bad it is being unemployed. Focus on getting a job and staying positive. You’re only going to feel as good as you let yourself feel. Things have to change, nothing is forever, especially not unemployment. Also, since you now have more free time on your hands, be sure to pick up some new, or old hobbies. Working out, playing sports, or writing are great ways to spend your down time and to keep the positive juices flowing. Always feel like you’re taking steps in the right direction. When you feel like you can’t do anything else, do more.

Break-Ups

Keeping a healthy relationship is very hard to do in 2013. People are moving faster than ever. It takes patients to maintain a relationship. Most of the time, couples are moving at high speeds in opposite directions but never have the time to stop and realize it. So, before they know, they’re sitting down having “the talk”. It’s natural to feel very bad about the loss of a partner. The feeling of having someone there for you is an amazing feeling. On the other hand, the feeling of being lonely is sometimes unbearable. We cannot force anyone to to be with us, no matter how much we believe that they’re the one for us. What isn’t meant to be, just won’t be. Pick yourself up and realize that whatever went wrong, is for the better. You will feel the hurt, but don’t let it linger around too long. It’s in everyone of us to re-group and start fresh. It’s not good for you to feel like being lonely or single is a bad thing. Being alone is one of the most underrated feelings in the world. When you’re isolated, you have time to think without interruption or clouded thoughts. You only have to think for yourself, not for a partner. That should make it easier for you to make the right decisions moving forward. Most of us don’t take enough time alone to make the right choices, so we end up back in another bad situation. Don’t be that person. Take your time, embrace that time, and slowly move towards something better. There’s always something better if you take the time to search for it. Also, it’s not always a good thing to be in a relationship. It’s better to establish yourself first, that way it’ll be easier to give that someone your all. Piling stress onto more stress will more than likely create tension between any two individuals. Be patient and you’ll be just fine.

Tragedy

This is one of the more difficult things that life throws at you. These are the things that we don’t see coming and that’s when it hurts the most. There are many forms of tragedy, we see it or hear about it almost everyday. We live in a world full of it. Personally, I think that death is the hardest thing to deal with or be around. If you’ve been reading my blog, or know me, than you know that I lost my father when I was young. I’ve also lost both grandparents, a brother, a few cousins, and multiple close friends. No death is any better or worse than the other, but the death of my father prepared me for things in life I never thought I’d be able to handle. That feeling of being so lost, so young, sticks with you forever. I knew when he passed that I’d never feel so low again, and I honestly have not since then. There may have been some things that were just as hurtful but I had already knew how to deal with those things. What I’m saying is, I learned that death itself is a learning experience that prepares you for anything and everything in life. You have to take your time to grieve, it’s natural. You may never get over some deaths, but you shouldn’t ever fully get over them. The fact is, a little bit of that pain sticks with you forever. You have to find a way to use that pain as motivation. It may take time, but if you have to know that eventually, it will get better. Death won’t always be a painful experience. You’ll eventually understand what death teaches you, especially the death of someone close to you. I feel like the death of my father has kept me alive. There’s a lot of things you wont do when you know there’s someone special with their eyes on you at all times. You want to live life for them and you want to live it right, so one day you both can look down on whoever you left behind.

There’s No Shame In Crying

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People shouldn’t hold back their tears. The ability to cry is a gift to mankind. Our tears release pain and joy from within us when our emotions become overloaded. Crying is a great way to relieve stress at its highest point. That’s why we cry in stressful situations. It’s as if we reach a boiling point and the tears just start to flow. A human can only hold so much emotion in. We shouldn’t bury our tears behind fake smiles and breathing techniques. We should let those tears fall freely.

Stress isn’t the only reason we find ourselves emotionally maxed out. Joy can bring us to tears as well. Everyone has cried when life just seems too good to be true. This is a special feeling. Some of us hold these emotions back because we see crying as a sign of weakness instead of embracing its importance for the mind and body. When we cry we are releasing pressure within ourselves. We feel like our pain has been washed out of us, if only for a few minutes, it’s still worth the tears.

Don’t be afraid to cry when you feel overwhelmed. It is okay. Some people need to see you cry so they can feel more comfortable around you. When you’re able to cry around someone, you will grow closer to them. You know that person isn’t judging you for being too emotional, instead they’re there to offer a shoulder for you to lean on. Not too many of us have people in our lives we can cry with. Those people hold special places in our hearts if there are any. Have no emotional barriers with certain people so you’ll always have someone to share your pain and joy with.

Don’t ever again be afraid to cry. If someone isn’t comfortable around you when you reach emotional breaking points, then those people will never understand how much of a help they could be rather than giving you a cold shoulder. Don’t let anyone tell you not to cry. Be emotionally free, at all times. Cleanse your body and soul of any stress or joy. It’s your body, your emotions, and your right to cry.

Trading In Old Habits For A Fresh Start

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I’ve recently rebooted and gave myself a chance at a fresh start. My second life has now begun. The days of partying every weekend is over for me. Honestly, I am happier now than I ever was then. It was fun going out with my friends, getting drunk and having a ball, but I will never get that time back. Today, I am more about getting things done and focusing on my future. I have so many things I want to do in life. All the partying had to come to end in order for me to really see things clearly. I still go out every once in a while, but normally to congratulate myself on accomplishing goals. Getting drunk and going out is kind of an award now. Back then, I just did it to escape my problems after long stressful weeks. I realized that I had to face the stress head on. My solution called for more working and less playing. Now I have more time to write, work, think, and prepare for the future. I spend my time so much more wisely now than I did before. I never thought being so isolated could be so much fun. I take pride in working toward better things in life. When I’m all settled and I’m able to kick my feet up, that’s when I’ll start to get back out there and enjoy myself. It won’t feel like I’m wasting my time out at clubs when I have met my goals. This is a new me, aiming for new things in my second life. It will be a challenge but I’m more than ready to excel in life.