“Stan” (Poetry)

Dear Stan, here I am writing you this letter
We’ve had some good times but we’re no good together
For a long time I thought I couldn’t do any better
You made me forget that sunshine was apart of the weather

Rain, sleet, snow, or hail you were always around
You’d comfort me without a word, even without a sound
For the longest time, the only feeling I knew was down
Me without you was like a king without his crown

I’d soon realize just how damaging you were
All the time we spent together is now just a blur
For now I can see clearly through my eyes
I can see that you were just pain in disguise

Sick and tired, hurt and defeated
My life in ruins, my feelings all depleted
There’s nothing I can hide, everyone can see it
Everyone I loved, from my life they were deleted

For all of that, there’s only you I can thank
I was running on E, now I’m refueling my tank
All I needed was one reason to live
One reason to love, one reason to give

Some call you drugs, but I choose to call you Stan
That’s because for a long time you were the man
Now I’m wiser and I’m taking a stand
I can fit the world in my palm without you in my hand

$elf Worth

Self worth isn’t weighed by the amount of money you have, nor is it measured by your stability in life. Self worth is a currency solely dependent on ones view of themselves no matter their current or past situation(s). Looking back to a time when I had things to call my own, I believed I was worth much more than I actually was. I measured my worth according to money, friends, women, and fun. Little did I know, the more of those things I obtained, the further I strayed away from happiness. I was a tool, using myself to destroy the things I cherished the most.

As time went by, the side effects of my ignorance would take affect. I felt empty, used up, and worthless to myself. Since I felt that way about my own life, I also felt that everyone around me saw the same thing. I was convinced that my worth was diminished to a point where it could not be repaired. Those feelings would be my shadow for a very long time. Eventually, everything and everyone around me was worth just as much as I was – nothing.

I can remember being out in public, looking at others and wishing I could be in their shoes. My shoes were worn to the sole from all of the running I did during my years of depression, drug abuse, and ungratefulness. Eventually, I lost so much that I had no choice but to stop and re-evaluate everything in my life. It wasn’t until then when I could see myself from the inside out. I saw a broken person, who needed some patching up. So, I got out the glue and the tape and got to work.

Little by little, things started to make sense again. Things around me were still tattered and torn, but I had a strategy. I would line everything up, subtracting the things that were holding me down, and maximizing on the things that gave me a sense of self respect. The missing pieces were always around me, I just refused to reach for them. The love I felt that I was missing was clearly there in the form of a mother who did not give up on her son. The energy I lacked was confined deep beneath the filth layered within my body. The faith I needed was in my heart, which was boarded up from every angle.

I became a maintenance man, working on myself, fixing anything that needed fixing. From there, things slowed down and it became easier to stop and evaluate myself. Mistakes were made often, but I never put that imaginary hammer down. I would slowly start to feel like I was becoming worth more and more with everything I corrected within myself. I could see how blind I actually was now. I was worth much more than I ever gave myself credit for.

I settled for so much because it was all that I knew. I gave up quick and landed in bad spots because I lost the will to strive for better things. The things that were out of reach were now beneath me. The easiest and most valuable assets around me were within arms reach. All it took was the want and the need to surround myself with positive people and things. I felt like I belonged again. If I was denied anything, I would no longer just give in. That denial became motivation. I was motivated to feel worthy of anything this world offered.

I can now look in the mirror and feel like I belong. No longer feeling like an outcast, I walk the streets with my head held high, my heart flowing with positivist, and my mind focused on bettering myself. When people look at me, I can see that they see someone who is worth their time. I am accepted almost everywhere I go, mainly because I accepted the fact that I am worth your time, your company and your love. It is my God given duty to make others feel accepted in this world and anyone who hasn’t should make it their job to do so as well. We aren’t worthy of much when we can’t even see it for ourselves. You are worth more than what the worlds puts out sometimes. You just have to have the faith to know that you can get there as long as you dedicate your life being seen as worthy, not only to others, but to yourself as well. Peace & Love !

Lusting For Love

Lust_love

I’ve personally been through some very rocky relationships in my past – most with women who were sure they loved me but actually did not know the first thing about love. Me, I believe I have an idea of what love is, but most importantly – I do know when I love someone wholeheartedly or if I’m just putting on a show. Sadly for me, I have also had my run with women who have put on shows. Honestly, I have never not wanted to be in a relationship with the person I chose to take the leap with. Far too many times do I see women who just want to be in love and not actually caring who it is they’re in love with. That’s what I call lusting for love. Those are some of the toughest relationships to deal with because those type of people are hard to crack and will do anything to keep their lust for love fed. It is a dangerous game once a partner sees that their lover is just with them because they fear being lonely, instead of naturally feeling like they belong with you.

Last night was a prime example of how a person can be very misleading with love. I will not go into details but a female whom a very good friend was dating showed her boyfriend that she was with him for all the wrong reasons. Once he caught wind of who she truly was, she did everything in her power to keep things going – to keep herself happy and in love, regardless of how hurt my friend was about the situation. Girls who just want to be with someone for the ride aren’t easy to break as I said before. You have to notice the little things they do to crack their code. These type people are usually party going, materialistic type of people whom have a hard time staying in one place too long. Watch out for these people on your journey to the promise land of love, because you won’t see them coming. Be aware.

Cry of Freedom

I don’t know what made me cry

I could have been the color of the sky

Or maybe the green on the trees

Whatever it was made me fall with the leaves

At that moment, I felt every emotion in life

I cried and felt no sorrow, and no spite

Smiling, just happy that there will be a tomorrow

I was released and free to feel, so I  guess I cried because I finally knew how freedom feels

What Makes Us Human

emotions

You’re the same as me; you make mistakes just as I do. The only difference is that I own up to my mistakes. I don’t avoid the doubt casted upon me because of the decisions I’ve made. I am a man who owns up to everything. I deal with my problems because I made those problems. There’s no easy way out. Casting the pain onto others, or ignoring your faults will only lead to confusion. Man up, step up and take ownership of your emotions. Don’t be something you’re not. That’s how you end up lost. Be you, be honest, and don’t avoid the pain. The pain helps us grow. It helps us understand how to be humans, not robots. We’re either controlled by our emotions or we learn to control our emotions. We shall no hide in the shade when the sun is burning up the ground beneath us. Stand there and fight the heat at all costs. If you shall burn than at least you’ll burn with pride – knowing you didn’t run away from anything. You stood there like a human being who knows right from wrong. You didn’t cower away from anything. That makes you a man. That’s what makes you human.