Some of our lives are full of regrets. Some of us can’t accept the regret. Some of us have been blessed enough not to have regrets. All of us have reason to move on no matter how regret falls into your life. Personally, I don’t have many regrets, and I’ve learned from most of my regretting and turned those negatives into positives. But there’s that one regret that will haunt me forever. Not get the chance to tell my dad the chance that I loved him before he passed has been hard to deal with on a daily basis. It wasn’t a case of him not being there or family issues. It was a result of me being too young to fully understand how important love is in a struggling family.
My dad was an older man, very loving, a hard worker, and my role model. He developed lung cancer when I was in the 6th grade. The strong man I’ve known all my life had been constricted to a bed, and life support. I didn’t understand any of it and how it would affect my future, but I knew I was slowly losing the man the meant everything to me. He lied there, helpless in bed but I knew he was happy. He wasn’t in some hospital full of paycheck seeking doctors and nurses, he was at home, with his family. I spend endless hours in the room his bed was in. I slept there almost every night with him. That day finally came where he had to leave us and I was right by his side. When he passed, I felt like I was dying right along with him. It was painful. I had so many questions for him, so many things to learn, so many memories to make, and all of that was gone.
I never stopped to tell him I loved him, and I can’t seem to get passed that. I tell him everyday now, but does it matter now? I hope so but it sure does not seem like it. My mother and I don’t have the best relationship. She is important to me and I do love her. It seems like history is going to repeat itself one day. My mother isn’t the most sentimental person. Not once has she ever told me she loved me, not once has she told me she was sorry for anything, she just lets things be. I ‘m stubborn myself. I know maybe I should be the one reaching out to her and telling her I love her, but I don’t think it would make a big difference to her so I just let things be also. I don’t want to get to that point it got to with my dad, although he and I had a great relationship. I don’t want to see her or I pass away without those important words being uttered to one another. I can’t let that happen, not again.
More importantly than saying I love you, is it actually feelings like the truth. Things need to be repaired within the family. If I had grown up with my parents still telling me how much they loved me then I wouldn’t be at this point. The fact that I wasn’t lucky enough for that to happen kinda built up resentment towards her. as a parent it’s your job to make sure your kids feel your love. It’s not a child’s job to instill love in the family. I’ve always felt so deprived of so much as far as family and what it should be like. For the most part all of the things I was denied have taught me to accept reality but also show me exactly how not start a family. My mothers lack of affection has made me so strong, loving, and aware of things going on around me. I’m more than prepared to make things different when I have my own family.
If you are a parent, or a child with similar problem, I suggest you work towards a solution before things get out of reach. I don’t know if my own situation is far out of reach now but I know there’s some hope but it lies only within me. My dad loved me, I loved him, my mother loves me, and I love her but it isn’t shown. Actions speak louder than words but what do I have when there are no words and the actions are just as silent? I want to help the next parent or child avoid regretting the same as I do. Even if my situation doesn’t get better, I would feel better knowing I helped someone like me overcome a lifetime of pain and regret with my own personal issues. Don’t let time go by, and don’t let pride stand in the way of a healthy relationship with your family.