“Stan” (Poetry)

Dear Stan, here I am writing you this letter
We’ve had some good times but we’re no good together
For a long time I thought I couldn’t do any better
You made me forget that sunshine was apart of the weather

Rain, sleet, snow, or hail you were always around
You’d comfort me without a word, even without a sound
For the longest time, the only feeling I knew was down
Me without you was like a king without his crown

I’d soon realize just how damaging you were
All the time we spent together is now just a blur
For now I can see clearly through my eyes
I can see that you were just pain in disguise

Sick and tired, hurt and defeated
My life in ruins, my feelings all depleted
There’s nothing I can hide, everyone can see it
Everyone I loved, from my life they were deleted

For all of that, there’s only you I can thank
I was running on E, now I’m refueling my tank
All I needed was one reason to live
One reason to love, one reason to give

Some call you drugs, but I choose to call you Stan
That’s because for a long time you were the man
Now I’m wiser and I’m taking a stand
I can fit the world in my palm without you in my hand

Advertisements

$elf Worth

Self worth isn’t weighed by the amount of money you have, nor is it measured by your stability in life. Self worth is a currency solely dependent on ones view of themselves no matter their current or past situation(s). Looking back to a time when I had things to call my own, I believed I was worth much more than I actually was. I measured my worth according to money, friends, women, and fun. Little did I know, the more of those things I obtained, the further I strayed away from happiness. I was a tool, using myself to destroy the things I cherished the most.

As time went by, the side effects of my ignorance would take affect. I felt empty, used up, and worthless to myself. Since I felt that way about my own life, I also felt that everyone around me saw the same thing. I was convinced that my worth was diminished to a point where it could not be repaired. Those feelings would be my shadow for a very long time. Eventually, everything and everyone around me was worth just as much as I was – nothing.

I can remember being out in public, looking at others and wishing I could be in their shoes. My shoes were worn to the sole from all of the running I did during my years of depression, drug abuse, and ungratefulness. Eventually, I lost so much that I had no choice but to stop and re-evaluate everything in my life. It wasn’t until then when I could see myself from the inside out. I saw a broken person, who needed some patching up. So, I got out the glue and the tape and got to work.

Little by little, things started to make sense again. Things around me were still tattered and torn, but I had a strategy. I would line everything up, subtracting the things that were holding me down, and maximizing on the things that gave me a sense of self respect. The missing pieces were always around me, I just refused to reach for them. The love I felt that I was missing was clearly there in the form of a mother who did not give up on her son. The energy I lacked was confined deep beneath the filth layered within my body. The faith I needed was in my heart, which was boarded up from every angle.

I became a maintenance man, working on myself, fixing anything that needed fixing. From there, things slowed down and it became easier to stop and evaluate myself. Mistakes were made often, but I never put that imaginary hammer down. I would slowly start to feel like I was becoming worth more and more with everything I corrected within myself. I could see how blind I actually was now. I was worth much more than I ever gave myself credit for.

I settled for so much because it was all that I knew. I gave up quick and landed in bad spots because I lost the will to strive for better things. The things that were out of reach were now beneath me. The easiest and most valuable assets around me were within arms reach. All it took was the want and the need to surround myself with positive people and things. I felt like I belonged again. If I was denied anything, I would no longer just give in. That denial became motivation. I was motivated to feel worthy of anything this world offered.

I can now look in the mirror and feel like I belong. No longer feeling like an outcast, I walk the streets with my head held high, my heart flowing with positivist, and my mind focused on bettering myself. When people look at me, I can see that they see someone who is worth their time. I am accepted almost everywhere I go, mainly because I accepted the fact that I am worth your time, your company and your love. It is my God given duty to make others feel accepted in this world and anyone who hasn’t should make it their job to do so as well. We aren’t worthy of much when we can’t even see it for ourselves. You are worth more than what the worlds puts out sometimes. You just have to have the faith to know that you can get there as long as you dedicate your life being seen as worthy, not only to others, but to yourself as well. Peace & Love !

Addicted

I have learned that the beginning isn’t always the start of something. The beginning could very well be the end for some things. My end began on a nice summer day in 2009. I couldn’t have been more okay with my life at that point. I was 20 something with my own place, my own car, a high paying job, great friends, a wonderful girlfriend, and a child on the way. Little did I know, sitting at a red light, the end to all of those things would rear end me at that very spot. Bloodied and hurting, I stumbled out of my car to inspect the damage done by my impending doom. I had no idea that the damage to my car, which was totaled, would be the least damaged thing on this day. After a quick but careful check of the wreckage, would I then see my fate.

That fate came in the form Christopher Wayne Gary – the driver of the car that had struck me. Gary was a troubled man, whom had just not only an hour ago, shot and killed his mother. After killing the one and only mom he had ever had, Gary figured there wasn’t much left for him in this world. He figured he would take the cops on a high speed chase, with the blood of his mother still on his hands. That chase would end with a collision into the back of my car. Gary would then step out his car, surrounded by police and closely watched by myself. He would then proceed to kill himself at that very moment. Til this day, I can see his lifeless body laying a few feet away from me.

With all of that mayhem, still the worst was yet to come. The worst would come with a follow-up doctors visit after the tragic accident. For my back pain and intense headaches, the doctor would proceed to prescribe me 10mg Vicodin. That was the moment that my end had began. Time would fly by but surely enough every month I was sure to make it back to that same doctor for get my pain medicine. Years would continue to roll on and the same thing continued. I was now reliant on a substance to live my normal everyday life. With no knowledge of the negative affects, I would blindly continue to take these pills and various other kinds  of medication for my pain.

That same story continued for some more years, until my luck had run out. in 2014 I would find a way to be discharged from my doctors. Not until then did I have my first withdrawl symptoms. It was some of the worst feelings I have and would ever experience. Like most addicts would do who had nothing on their mind but being high or pain free, I would hit the streets in search of pills so I could make it through the day. Things were moving so fast. When I finally got a chance to stop and look around, I realized that mostly everything I ever had was gone on or on its way out. I spent so many years blinded by a drug that I didn’t care about what or who I was pissing away.

Things would continually get worse for me at that point. Pills quickly turned into heroin once I had no doctor to supply me with my drugs of choice. Now, there wasn’t a minute where I could think about anything else besides getting high or how I’m going to get money to get high the next day. I was living a nightmare. The drugs would break the bond I had with my family and friends, it would rob me of any desire to work, and it would also take away the few emotions I had left after so many years of taking painkillers. Even worse, it would land me in jail, facing my demons alone in a cell for months. Still, the drugs were so deeply apart of my being, that I was awaiting the day I got out just so I could get back to them. Surprisingly, I would stay away from drugs for a few months after my release. Still, I was a prisoner in this world. Even without drugs in my life, there was a lot of damage left over from them. There were too many pieces to pick up than I could handle, so I did the only thing I knew how to do – get high.

Now I’m back to what I know. No longer did I feel out of place, because the drugs had suppressed any emotions that would make me feel uncomfortable in any situation. Soon after my decision to pick up again, would I re-lose the few things I had gained during my clean time. This time I would lose so much that I did not even have a place to rest my head. Roaming the streets with nowhere to go, or nobody to talk to got old quick for me. God reached down and touched me somewhere in between those wicked days and I landed in a detox program in which I have been a full participant of til this very day. Now I can begin again. Am I saved or healed? No I am not. But, I am more aware and I have regained my feelings. That has been enough to keep me strong. I do not want to forget what it feels like to be happy, to be sad, or to love. My emotions are all I have at the moment and I guard them with all I have. They have been my strongest defense against drug use. Wish me luck !

Whole [Poem]

Finding Our Way Through

broken

Broken, shattered and scattered
I’m a piece of the things I used to be
My very existence is tattered
I strive to be whole and as complete as I used to be

Trying my hardest to pull the pieces together
Walking through the rain, ignoring the weather
A piece of me is there, a piece of me is here
All of me is nowhere, I’m broken and scared

Tape me up and make me whole
Give me hope, illuminate my soul
For I am lost and broken apart
Give me love and sew up my heart

View original post

A Message For You

Finding Our Way Through

Thank you God for another beautiful day. Even though it rained, it was beautiful. Even though everything didn’t go my way, it was beautiful. I don’t need to constantly see beauty to know I’m surrounded by it physically and spiritually. Thank you for another beautiful day in my beautiful life. Nothing is ugly,and nothing is dull. Everything spawns from your vision and your eye only beholds beauty. I shall forever be in debt to your wonderfulness. I shall never stray from the beautiful things in life, regardless how how ugly things may feel at times. Through the dark I shall search for your light. Through the night I shall think of the light of day. I’m yours forever and our eternal bond shall grow until it’s my time to come home.

View original post

Lusting For Love

Lust_love

I’ve personally been through some very rocky relationships in my past – most with women who were sure they loved me but actually did not know the first thing about love. Me, I believe I have an idea of what love is, but most importantly – I do know when I love someone wholeheartedly or if I’m just putting on a show. Sadly for me, I have also had my run with women who have put on shows. Honestly, I have never not wanted to be in a relationship with the person I chose to take the leap with. Far too many times do I see women who just want to be in love and not actually caring who it is they’re in love with. That’s what I call lusting for love. Those are some of the toughest relationships to deal with because those type of people are hard to crack and will do anything to keep their lust for love fed. It is a dangerous game once a partner sees that their lover is just with them because they fear being lonely, instead of naturally feeling like they belong with you.

Last night was a prime example of how a person can be very misleading with love. I will not go into details but a female whom a very good friend was dating showed her boyfriend that she was with him for all the wrong reasons. Once he caught wind of who she truly was, she did everything in her power to keep things going – to keep herself happy and in love, regardless of how hurt my friend was about the situation. Girls who just want to be with someone for the ride aren’t easy to break as I said before. You have to notice the little things they do to crack their code. These type people are usually party going, materialistic type of people whom have a hard time staying in one place too long. Watch out for these people on your journey to the promise land of love, because you won’t see them coming. Be aware.